Who are you calling “wet”?

One downside of not drinking: what the hell do I blame the hat on?

Firstly, I want to apologise for my absence (I *know* you’ve noticed), I’ve had The Ear Infection To End All Ear Infections. Is it a coincidence that my ear implodes the week after I resolve to eschew all sugar-based treats? Science may say yes but I remain unconvinced. Fear not, my friends, I’m not here to exhort you to renounce your daily (was that just me?) chocolate fix. Rather, to commemorate Alcohol Awareness Week, I’m going to tell you why, as of 1/1/13, I don’t drink:

1.  Quitting alcohol is not for everyone but it was the right choice for me. No, I haven’t always been a paragon of temperance. Quite the contrary, in fact, and that’s exactly why I stopped. While heedless hedonism might have a certain louche allure when you’re in your twenties, who wants to be a thirty year old “fading party girl”? Why not drink in moderation, then? You haven’t met me. I’m very much an all-or-nothing kinda gal. Plus…

2.  …I don’t actually like the taste. It’s true, I don’t. Never did. I tried to. I wanted to. So many of my heroes were prodigious drinkers: Humphrey Bogart (alleged last words: “I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis”), Dorothy Parker* (“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy”), Graham Greene, Billie Holiday…Me? After ten years I finally faced up to the truth: I like tea, coffee, hot chocolate, water, milkshakes and Capri-Sun. That’s it.

3.  I am not that weird. Most non-drinkers aren’t and the ones that are would probably be just as strange sitting at a bar cradling a large G&T. Try telling that to everyone I’ve ever met! “What do you mean you don’t drink?” I’m asked in disbelief. I just don’t. “What do you do if you don’t drink?” my interrogator inquires, eyes narrowing distrustfully. Why, I do everything you do, Nosey Nora…as long as I’m tucked up on my sofa by nightfall. I’m not joking.

4.  I am not boring. Okay, that’s a lie. *I’m* incredibly boring but I’m definitely in the minority. As far as I’m aware, most non-drinkers don’t have the same immobilising fear of being out after dark as I do. The majority of them will happily while away the hours doing whatever it is the more socially-minded amongst you do. Just because I’d gladly decamp to Eastbourne in the morning to play lawn bowls and join the local Ramblers’ Association doesn’t mean that my fellow abstinents would. Although, why on earth not?

5.  I am not a saint. Nor am I a zealous missionary intent on recruiting adherents to my cause. I don’t have a cause, I just don’t drink. I still stuff my face with gleeful abandon sort of like a female Depardieu (minus du vin obviously) or a pig. I still swear like a sewer rat would if he had the same combination of lungs, vocal folds and articulators as I have. Until recently I was vehemently opposed to conserving the world’s rapidly dwindling cocoa supply. Between you and me, I only stopped eating chocolate because I read it causes wrinkles, not out of any honourable sense of duty to the cacao tree. I’m quite awful really.

6.  I don’t need alcohol to have a good time.  There was a time when the prospect of a drink-free get-together would have stopped me dead in my tracks, paralysed with horror. “What will we do? WHAT WILL WE DO?” Turns out my fears were unwarranted. I am quite capable of engaging in reasonably compelling conversation fuelled by caffeine alone. I don’t need wine-oiled loins (nice image, that) to walk into an unfamiliar room. Everything I’ve ever done while under-the-influence I can do sober. Better. And, believe me, FAR less annoyingly.

7.  I don’t have hangovers, which is nice and more than convenient when you’re mother to the world’s clingiest (and loveliest) baby. Occasionally I overindulge on rich food to such an extent that I feel like I’m being repeatedly kicked in the stomach. I’ve had a disgusting chocolate mousse and almond cake hangover. I’ve crushed my soul from watching hours of trashy telly. I still have hangovers, they’re just not caused by alcohol.

8.  I’m intent on proving South Korea wrong. Not all of my “kind” are rampaging alcoholics, you know. Some of us are even capable of doing a day’s hard graft. Belee tha…

9.  I couldn’t drink even if I wanted to (heart condition etc etc) so it’s a good thing I don’t, then.

*Dorothy Parker was always good for a quip, here’s another:

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under my host.”

Thanks for reading! xx