Farage has said something again. People are outraged. I don’t give a fish’s tit what Zippy-on-acid has to say for himself but it has given me reason to share my experience of breastfeeding in public.
1. Never assume
Forget any preconceptions you may have about the type of person who might object to your child’s basic need to be fed. As some of you may have found, it’s usually not the puerile schoolboys, tattooed hipsters or right-angled old men who will give you daggers across a cafe. Often the shrivelled auld strap from the age of seen-not-heard children and never-seen breasts is the one making you feel like you’re committing an act of gross indecency. She’d be livid if your baby was screaming the place down with hunger, but she’s also livid that your barely visible breast is out. In public.
2. It doesn’t matter where you sit
You’ll always end up in the hub of the activity. In a café? Well, the table by the till is the only one free. And now you’ve moved away from the till you’re next to the toilets. Finally you move near the door. Basically you become a magnet for foot traffic wherever you are, and when you leave and look back into the café, it’s miraculously emptied.
3. Ignore the looks
Don’t take it personally. The majority of people are merely curious about seeing a small human laying stiffly across your bust. Unless someone shoots you a genuinely filthy look, it becomes very easy to get on with your mammalian duties. If you are unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of a frosty death-stare, kill your adversary with kindness by blowing a conciliatory kiss their way. Or a raspberry, depending on how mischievous you’re feeling.
4. Wear suitable clothes
Tight-fitting turtlenecks just won’t do. As well as taking ease of access into account, you also need to think about ease of concealment. Showing off your distended, glistening nipples to strangers on the train for too long could land you on the Yahoo News homepage. Button-up shirts, and t-shirts with jackets over them are ideal, especially when you’re on the move. You can, of course, invest in some cleverly designed, double layered breastfeeding tops or dresses but I haven’t because I like spending my money on make-up and artisanal gourmet sausages.
5. Have a muslin square to hand
A moving train, a limpet full of milk, and winding can all combine to create a perfect storm of lacteous vomit, and there’s no telling where it might end up, or how far it will trickle. I’m sure this is veering into “state the bleedin’ obvious, why don’t you” territory but you must remember that I have, on more than one occasion, left the house without my daughter’s changing bag and, let’s just say, things got messy.
6. Don’t look to Nigel Farage for breastfeeding advice
For God’s sake, just don’t. Sit wherever the hell you want. Although, mark my words, all the good seats will be gone. That’s just how it is.
Not Your Average Baby 